faith & breakthrough
As I write this I am sitting in my backyard…its a beautiful day in VT and it could not be more perfect temperature wise.
I used to fear many things as a child, then as a young person and a young mother. So much so that I never even let an arm hang over the side of my bed at night! I am now older and hopefully wiser. When Sarah left I wasn’t aware of how much unhealed trauma I had from not only my own childhood, but also what I inherited from my parents. At that time I didn’t fall apart I blew up and the wreckage was beyond belief. I lost everything and most importantly, the trust and respect of the ones I loved the most. This never happened on purpose and was never part of my life plan. Its difficult to fully understand it myself. All I know now is that trauma compounded plus tragedy are a bad combination often throwing the unprepared person into a state of survival mode. I felt like I was possessed and had no idea how to find a way out of it. SO, all that to say is that I did ALOT of really stupid,asinine, foolish…stuff.
The funniest (if there is any humor in this) thing is that its been easy for me to forgive the ones who have hurt me in so many ways…and keep forgiving. However, when it came to forgiving myself I didn’t know where to even begin. I believed that I was doing the work? Then one day last week I was fasting and praying and working outside. Maybe I was crying a lot too. This really sucked after oral surgery and not being allowed to blow my nose! Things had happened with my kids that felt like hell and a major setback in many ways. What did I do this time? WTF? Am I going to be punished forever for my crimes? seriously? Then I heard this …”what IF they never forgive?” I stopped. Was this God or Satan? I waited and He said it again. I realized then that this had become bigger than me, larger than the boogie man under my bed. I could keep living this way OR forgive ME. The former was way too painful and a slow burning poison. Then, by the very real mighty Grace of God it happened! I lost like 1000 lbs that day. The grace that I keep dishing out like filet mignon I finally made myself a generous portion of and ate it ALL. I gobbled it up. I finished it with a banana split with a cherry on top of mercy!
We ALL do and say foolish things. We are humans. We are all learning. Someones perception of shame and regret are nothing compared to the next person. We have no idea what someone else is carrying and how much they need filet, a banana split and hugs. Grace, mercy and forgiveness. Got it? Lets aim that at others every day and always at yourself. If you need a healthy portion yourself, you are always welcome at my table.
